Friday, January 15, 2010

Mine Is Better Than Yours

I’m old enough to remember when people didn’t care what their phone looked like. Wouldn’t have mattered if we did; they all looked the same. As long as we could make and receive calls and hear each other well enough to communicate, we were happy. If someone told you that their phone was better than yours, you’d most likely keep a safe distance from them. They probably also thought they’d seen an alien space ship. Of course, we were very naïve. We thought it was just a phone. We didn’t realize that it was technology.

How things have changed. Now 48% of Americans believe UFO’s are real. And if I tell someone my cell phone is better than theirs, then I better keep a safe distance because they may well attack me – verbally for sure and maybe even physically. People seem to take their technology gadgets very seriously.

I used to think that this phenomenon was exclusively the domain of people who buy Apple Computer products. Ever since that woman ran down the aisle and threw a sledgehammer at Big Brother, Apple has represented to its faithful not so much a technology maker as a counter-cultural movement. It alone stands up against the forces of evil (other technology manufacturers) to protect you, the little guy. Apple doesn’t sell products; it sells religion. People seem to forget that the Apple Corporation is a multi-billion dollar organization very interested in that most traditional of business aspirations – making a big profit.

I’m not saying they don’t make great products. I don’t happen to think they make the best products, but I’ll let others decide that. Besides, it’s folly to say what product is the best at the moment because tomorrow everything will be different once again. Apple’s real genius is that it gets its consumers to be it’s most vehement advocates. Other companies have tried this, of course. Saturn wasn’t just a car company, it was… well, who remembers?

So when I finally upgraded my cell phone to a new smart phone I was happy to find a product which was even better than the iPhone and, best of all, it wasn’t made by Apple. I told myself that I am a smart consumer. I am buying a product on it’s actual merits and not out of blind faith in a bogus cult. Little did I know that I was walking right into the front lines of the ultimate Armageddon.

It turns out that the Android Army is every bit as crazy as the Steve Jobs-walks-on-water whackos. The two sides square off against each other and begin attacking and counter attacking. The Droid can multi-task, eat your hearts out Kool-Aid drinkers. So what, the iPhone has multi-touch, you morons. You can’t talk and surf the net at the same time Droidheads; you can’t talk at all on the blue network. We have over one hundred thousand apps; we have the same one hundred apps that any of you have ever actually downloaded. Check it out Apple Assholes, we have a real keyboard; Screw you, Nouveau Tech, our design has 45 more units of cool than yours. iDon’t; I won’t.

Up in the board rooms in Cupertino and Mountain View they must be salivating. You can’t buy this much publicity for any amount of money yet they’re getting it for free. So I say enough already. It’s just a phone. Let’s stop selling our souls to Corporate America. (Although my phone really is better than yours.)

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